I put St. Louis to my back Saturday
late morning to pick up Neil Dickhaus (Human Compass) and head to Paul Frisbee’s
(Manimal’s) neck of the woods in Rolla to compete in the Fugitive run. As I am driving, I am thinking this may have
been a bad idea since I have never done an obstacle course, never been around
tear gas, and never have been in the military, but hey I am an Adventure Racer so
I will be fine…well at least I won’t get lost.
Human Compass sounds the same concerns, and by the way, we are headed
into a predicted snow storm…well we just completed the Castlewood 8, so we will
be fine. We arrive at Manimal Manor and
Minimal (Tanner Frisbee) starts us off on our first orienteering event of the
night by strategically relocating our gear.
Missymal (Rachael Frisbee) and Ryan Reagan (Mr. President) show up and
look like Stay Puff Marshmallow Men with all the layers they are wearing. While we are discussing clothes, layers and
gear, the time is ticking for registration and the other Manimal (Dirk Frisbee)
hasn’t shown up yet. Manimal-D (D milk)
shows up and says that was the earliest he could milk his cows. For you city folk, he seriously was milking
cows. We pile in my wife’s trailblazer
and Manimal races it to the registration.
We are one of the last teams to hang our flag and take a picture. As people are rattling off rules and map nonsense,
I am checking the other team’s flags for quality and find that most are really
good, but not as good as the BOR flag.
Confusion sets in and we try to figure out where to start and when to
start because the time has passed. We
herd ourselves into the jail (barn) with all the other teams and sneak up into
the rafters thinking we could escape first.
The prison guards come and tell everyone to get out and assemble in the
yard (obstacle course area).
The guards check to make sure
everyone has their mandatory gear and then split us up into groups. BOR is announced first…yes they recognize! We head to a large wooden wall and are told
we will be competing in an obstacle course in timed intervals and we get to go
first. I am looking at how tall this
thing is and I am thinking I have climbed moving sailboat masts taller than
that, but I am a little worried about my shorts legs making the spaced out
rungs…oh crap they said go. I am up the
wall last as we had to go two by two.
Missymal is on my left and beating me to the top. I get to the top and tell her to be careful
when crossing to the other side as her foot comes across my face and she tells
me there is no time for that and she is descending the other side. Well I am not going to be last so I descend
about half way and let go. We go through
various obstacles and my stupid goggles start fogging and I see enough to push
Manimal-D’s butt up to get through an obstacle and then he pulls me up. I remember cursing the Chinese water trap zig
zag over ice as I am jumping on Manimal-D, then H-Compass, then Manimal-D is on
me, then Compass is gone and I fall through the ice while other teams are
jumping past me. I can hardly see and
ask Manimal-D where to go and I see Manimal across a stupidly small
tunnel. Compass is slithering through it
backpack and all, like an inch worm. I
throw my pack to Manimal and launch into it with a thud as my shoulders are the
same size as the tunnel. I shoe horn myself
as far as I can and inch worm my arms to Manimal, who pulls me out like a
breach baby. Somewhere in the mix, we
get to a rope wall and I am last to go and a military looking gent tells me he
will hold the rope. I start to climb and
the rope is tugged away from the wall and I hear laughter as my short legs
leave the wall. I yell “slack, shorts
legs!” and I climb the rope as far as I can to reach the wall. Using the rope in one hand, the wall on the
other hand, I somehow monkey crawl to the top.
I am kind of mad now. I keep
running obstacles and notice I am gaining some ground as I have caught back up
with Manimal-D and Compass. We cross the
finish line in first, but are we first with corrected time? YES we are!
We win a Pardon.
At this point we are being PT’d
(pushups, burpees, jumping jacks, squats) between different mental and physical
challenges. If you ever have seen me do
burpees you will get a good chuckle out of that( Note: Scotts uncoordinated
burpees are hilarious. Looks like a fish -Kevin). We flip this huge tire I was sizing up for
Ida (my Jeep XJ). She rolls on 33’s and
I estimated this was at least a 60”. The
stupid thing is full of ice and I get excited and start to lift on 2 of a 3
count and almost poop myself. All six of
us are flipping this thing and for a moment I stop to admire the military team
flipping in complete synchronization…wow they are half way…I better help…we
lost. We do this flash bang toss that
takes an eternity to get into a 5 gallon bucket and you have to race back in
forth…we lose again. We have to assemble
a jig saw puzzle and our princess is missing a piece…lose again. We have to eat the most disgusting eggs I
have ever tasted. Manimal-D devours them
and I think he liked it, I choke mine down as a drill instructor type is
yelling at me to about face and not throw up on him. I drink some water and start swallowing large
chunks like pills. Mr. President spits
his out…we lose again. We run up and
down a hill repeatedly while asking each other trick questions and I am
thinking when does the race start and ok here comes some snow.
We are herded back into the jail
and are told our pardon lets us out with a head start. We run towards the quarry and try not to fall
to our deaths, get hit with paintballs, or tear gas. My goggles are completely fogged and I am
totally blind. I can’t risk losing an
eye so I follow the best I can and I make it to the obstacle / check point, but
on the way back I slam my shin, which are legendarily rock hard, against a
diamond hard rock. I can tell it cut my
skin through my bushwhacking pants and heavy tights. I can’t find a hole in the pants, which again
is proof that North Face Paramount Peak Convertible pants are awesome and are
not for teenage girls, except Missymal because she is not all human like the
rest of the Frisbees. So now I am
totally mad and blind and can’t start the fire with my new flint, but Manimal-D
strikes his and gets it going. I tell
the team that I have to go get my safety glasses or I won’t be able to
continue; so I run to the truck, get my glasses, ditch the goggles, and run
back and notice I lost my headlamp, so I run back to the truck and can’t find
it, so I run back and borrow Manimal’s backup.
We continue sneaking by police and guards to check point after check
point. I can see now so I am no longer
mad, but I am mourning the loss of my Petzal E-lamp. We seem to be going in circles and Missymal
is telling the Manimals where to go, and I see the Compass without a map and
can read his thoughts that he is upset and the Manimals are lost. I mentally agree but lay down in a low cold
obstacle and think this is the slowest race we have done and I could take a nap
right here. I look over and Missymal Monroe
and Mr. President are holding hands and snacking. Guards start coming and it’s time to
move. We are “hell-o-stealthy”TM and
move around through the woods searching for check points and finding few. Missymal hits a booby trap as a guard is
planting it and “kills” him. We can hear
the paint balls firing and can smell the tear gas in the distance. We are running out of time so we head back to
the start and we are asking where our flag is, but we never get it back. I thought Cops were not supposed to steal and
we didn’t even get to shoot back at them.
We left wounded, sore, dirty, but we all survived without capture or being
shot.
We eat, drink, talk, and drop off
the Manimals at Manimal’s house and head back to St Louis. I drive in 4HI through snow, listen to
Compass snore, drop him off, get home, throw my gear inside, text Manimal to
let him know I survived the drive home, inspect the bloody shin, shower, sleep,
and wake up to two feet of snow and realize I have to now go shovel with a sore
body…tis the life of an Adventure Racer.
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